guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
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somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The smoothest fall of all time
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help