I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit