Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
You Might Also Like
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?