Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
this isn’t threatening at all
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?