Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?