I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer