“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
who wants to go expliring
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My dad teaching me to drive
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives