Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
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if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too