My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
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two people or more is called a problem
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Not today, today.
Not today.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
satan: not today, microsoft teams