[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
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Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.