There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…