Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo