a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
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😂💯
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.