airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
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I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Quadruple digit IQ
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
*mops up wine with cat*