The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Best spot.. 😅
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.