My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?