Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
BaD BoY!!
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
August 8
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.