ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.