A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Can Happiness buy money?
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
😂😂
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
catch me on valentine’s day like
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is