me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”