“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
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Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.