*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Do not levitate over flowers
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.