Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
i- i did not expect this
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…