Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.