Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
You Might Also Like
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
This January has 47 Mondays
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Best spot.. 😅
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies