ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
#Caturday
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.