College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate