I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs