My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.