10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
You Might Also Like
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.