You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse