You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them