tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?