[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.