in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.