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There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.