ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here