*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My what?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat