Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this