“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
You Might Also Like
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.