(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Can’t stop laughing
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
What an awful time to have common sense.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks