the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
channeling her this year