If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
What personal space?
My dog
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before