I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
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“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.