[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.