If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein