Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life