Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.