One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.