“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
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[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
The three genders
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend